The Surprising Science Behind Female Desire: What Most People Get Wrong

For decades, the conversation around women’s sexuality has been clouded by myths, misunderstandings, and a lack of scientific research. In 'Come As You Are,' Dr. Emily Nagoski turns this narrative on its head, revealing that female desire is as unique and intricate as each woman’s fingerprint. The book draws on cutting-edge neuroscience and psychology to debunk the pervasive belief that women’s sexuality is broken if it doesn’t match a certain mold. Instead, Nagoski presents a compassionate, evidence-based framework showing that desire ebbs and flows according to context, stress, emotional safety, and individual temperament.



One of the most powerful insights is the dual-control model: our sexual response is governed by both accelerators (things that turn us on) and brakes (things that turn us off). Unlike what popular culture suggests, desire isn’t just about finding the right partner or technique—it’s about understanding how your unique combination of context, mood, and environment interact with your nervous system. For example, stress is a major brake; chronic stress keeps cortisol high, making it hard for desire to emerge. This isn’t a personal failing—it's biology.

Nagoski’s approach is deeply optimistic. She reassures readers that there’s nothing wrong with them if their desire doesn’t look like the movies. Instead, she encourages self-compassion, mindfulness, and open communication. The book is filled with practical exercises, like the famous 'raisin meditation,' that teach you to savor the present moment and reconnect with your body. Real stories from women of all backgrounds illustrate how these ideas play out in daily life, making the science relatable and actionable.



Ultimately, 'Come As You Are' is about more than sex—it’s about embracing your whole self, letting go of shame, and building a relationship with your body based on kindness and curiosity. The book’s message is clear: you are not broken, and pleasure is possible for everyone, no matter where you start.

If you’ve ever wondered why desire sometimes feels elusive, or wished you could understand yourself or your partner better, this science-backed guide will change the way you think about sex, relationships, and self-acceptance—for good. 1 2 4