Why Everyone Feels Sexually Strange (And Why That’s Actually Good News)

Sexuality is often portrayed as a seamless, confident expression of desire. Yet, if we are honest, most of us have felt out of place, awkward, or even ashamed in our sexual lives. Alain de Botton’s profound insight is that this feeling of sexual strangeness is not a personal defect but a universal human experience.

From childhood, we are bombarded with idealized images of sex as always joyful, easy, and passionate. These ideals create a distorted benchmark against which we measure ourselves and often come up short. The result is guilt, anxiety, and silence. Many carry secret neuroses and phobias about their own desires, convinced they are alone in their struggles.

This silence is compounded by the rarity of honest sexual conversations. Fear of disgust or rejection keeps people from sharing their true feelings, even with partners. Breaking this silence is the first step toward healing and deeper intimacy.

Shame, which typically arises in adolescence, divides our public and sexual selves. We learn to hide our bodies and desires, creating emotional barriers that complicate relationships. Yet, embracing our sexual imperfections with kindness can dissolve these walls.

Understanding sexual strangeness as normal allows us to reframe our experiences. Instead of self-judgment, we cultivate compassion and curiosity. This shift opens the door to more authentic communication and connection.

Practical steps include creating safe spaces for dialogue, challenging unrealistic ideals, and recognizing that desire fluctuates naturally. By accepting our own sexual complexity, we become better partners and more whole individuals.

Ultimately, this awareness transforms sexual strangeness from a source of shame into a wellspring of growth and intimacy.