The Three Phases of Discipline Every Parent Must Know to Raise Resilient Kids

Parenting is a journey that evolves as your child grows, and so should your approach to discipline. The Soul of Discipline introduces a framework of three phases—Governor, Gardener, and Guide—that correspond to key developmental stages and help parents meet their children where they are.

During the Governor phase (birth to ~9 years), children need firm, loving boundaries to develop willpower and security. Think of this as setting the rules of the road—a child learning to cross safely with clear signals and guidance. For example, a parent might firmly but gently prevent a toddler from touching a hot stove, establishing safety without fear.

Next is the Gardener phase (roughly 9 to 13 years), when children develop empathy and social awareness but still require parental oversight. Like a gardener tending young plants, parents nurture independence while maintaining responsibility. Tweens may start negotiating curfews or social plans, and parents balance listening with firm decision-making.

Finally, the Guide phase (adolescence) embraces teens’ desire for autonomy and critical thinking. Parents become guides, engaging in collaborative conversations about hopes, risks, and values. For instance, a parent might discuss driving safety with a teen, respecting their growing independence while setting clear boundaries.

Boundaries are not walls but flexible structures that move with the relationship, creating safety without isolation. This nuanced understanding prevents power struggles and builds trust.

By adapting discipline through these phases, parents support their child’s growth into a resilient, empathetic adult. This approach is not rigid but responsive, inviting parents to be both firm and flexible, providing the right balance of structure and freedom at every stage.

Understanding these phases sets the stage for building healthy compliance and nurturing willpower, topics we explore next.