If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face? My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating

Imagine you’re standing face-to-face with someone, not just hearing their words but truly feeling their presence. This is the essence of relating, which, contrary to common belief, is not the icing on the cake of communication—it is the cake itself. Without this deep connection, words alone can become empty sounds. When two people relate, they enter a dance of mutual awareness, where every glance, breath, and gesture influences the next moment. This is not about rehearsed lines or mechanical responses but about being fully present and responsive.

Early in this journey, a group of engineering students was invited to share their work, initially stiff and filled with jargon. But after engaging in improvisation games—walking through imaginary space, building invisible sculptures together, and mirroring each other’s movements—they transformed. They became more at ease, more connected, and their presentations blossomed with warmth and clarity. This shows that even those steeped in technical knowledge can learn to relate meaningfully.

Improvisation teaches us that communication is a shared experience. When one person leads, it’s their responsibility to move at a pace the other can follow. This leader-follower dynamic is crucial; if the leader rushes ahead, the follower is left behind, and the connection breaks. But when both are in sync, even without a clear leader, something magical happens: they anticipate each other’s moves, creating a seamless flow.

Such synchrony has been scientifically shown to increase trust and cooperation, whether in marching soldiers or people tapping in rhythm. Synchrony is more than coordination—it’s a social glue that binds us. This is why improvisational exercises are so powerful: they cultivate this attunement, making communication more natural and effective.

Yet, relating is not just about external actions but also about opening our hearts to the other person’s emotional state. Empathy, the ability to feel what another feels, and Theory of Mind, the ability to understand what another thinks, are the twin pillars of connection. These faculties allow us to move beyond mere words to truly grasp the other’s experience.

As we embark on this exploration, remember that communication is less about transmitting information and more about creating shared understanding. It is a dance, a conversation, a connection that requires presence, patience, and practice. Let’s move forward and discover how we can read others more deeply and relate more fully.