Reasons to Stay Alive

Imagine a mind suddenly aflame, yet no one sees the fire. This is the cruel paradox of depression and anxiety. The beginning of the journey into mental illness is often marked by a terrifying invisibility. The author recalls the day he felt the old self die, a day when a strange pulsing flickered in the back of his skull, a butterfly trapped in the cerebellum, signaling a storm about to break inside. This storm was not visible to those around him; he lay in a white, empty room, the air still and hot, while his mind raced with thoughts of death and madness. Depression is the most real thing one can experience, yet it is invisible to the outside world. This invisibility breeds stigma, making sufferers feel alone and misunderstood.

During those first days, the physical symptoms were overwhelming: a racing heart, tingling limbs, chest tightness, and a sense of falling even while standing still. The mind becomes a cyclone of fear and despair, and the future seems impossibly blocked at both ends. The author describes how even the most beautiful view, a sparkling Mediterranean coastline, could not deter his desire to end the pain. Yet, paradoxically, the fear of death remained as strong as ever. The pain of life was so intense that death seemed the only escape, but death itself was terrifying.

Stigma compounds suffering, as people often say things to depressives they would never say to someone with a visible illness. The author reflects on the cruelty of comments like 'pull yourself together' or dismissals of their pain as weakness. This misunderstanding deepens isolation, making it harder to speak out or seek help.

Despite the darkness, the author found that speaking and writing about his experience helped connect him to others and to himself. Words became lifelines, bridges over the abyss. Speaking about mental illness is a powerful act of healing and resistance against stigma. This opening chapter sets the stage for understanding the complex, invisible, and deeply painful nature of depression and anxiety, inviting us to listen with empathy and compassion.

As we move forward, we will explore how the mind begins to land, the mysteries of the brain, and the early steps toward recovery. The journey is long, but there is light ahead.