From Jealousy to Joy: How Polysecure Teaches Us to Transform Insecurity in Love

Turning the Green-Eyed Monster Into a Catalyst for Growth

Jealousy. It’s the word that makes many people wince, especially in the context of open or polyamorous relationships. But what if jealousy wasn’t the enemy? What if, as Jessica Fern argues in Polysecure, jealousy could become a powerful teacher—pointing us toward our deepest needs and our greatest opportunities for healing?

In Polysecure, Fern pulls back the curtain on jealousy, revealing it as a natural, even helpful, emotional response. Rather than shaming readers for feeling jealous, she encourages curiosity: What is this feeling trying to tell you? Is it pointing to an unmet need, a boundary that’s been crossed, or an old wound asking for attention? By reframing jealousy as a signal, Fern empowers us to respond with compassion and intention instead of panic or blame.

Fern’s approach is rooted in attachment theory. She explains how insecure attachment styles—whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—can make jealousy more intense. But she also offers hope: “Security is not a feeling; it is a practice.” Through the HEARTS model, Fern provides concrete tools for building safety, trust, and resilience, both within ourselves and with our partners. For example, practicing 'Emotional attunement' means listening deeply to your own feelings and sharing them honestly, while 'Transparency' helps prevent misunderstandings that can trigger jealousy.

Real-life stories from the book show how polyamorous people turn jealousy into compersion—the joy of seeing a partner happy with someone else. These examples aren’t about suppressing feelings, but about transforming them through self-awareness, communication, and mutual care. Fern’s exercises, like journaling, self-soothing, and co-regulation, give readers practical ways to move from insecurity to joy.

If you’ve ever struggled with jealousy, Polysecure offers a new perspective: You’re not broken, and you’re not alone. With the right tools and support, jealousy can be a doorway to deeper intimacy and greater self-understanding. The journey from jealousy to joy is possible—and it starts with listening to your heart.