Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

Let us begin our journey with a gentle sunrise, where the first rays of warmth touch the heart of every human story: our need to belong, to be held, to be seen. Imagine an infant’s tiny hand curling around a parent’s finger. This simple gesture is the beginning of a dance—a dance of attachment that will echo through every relationship in life. Attachment is not just a feeling; it is our first survival strategy. When we are born, we are wired to seek closeness, to reach out for safety and comfort. Our caregivers—be they parents, grandparents, or loving guardians—are our first mirrors, reflecting back to us our worth and teaching us, moment by moment, whether the world is a safe place.

In these earliest days, the way our cries are answered, the way our joys are celebrated, and the way our fears are soothed, all become the invisible threads that weave our attachment style. Secure attachment grows in the soil of emotional attunement and consistency. When a child’s needs are met with warmth and reliability, their nervous system learns to settle, their brain flourishes, and their heart trusts that love is available. This is not perfection; it is the good-enough presence, the parent who is there ‘enough of the time’ to build a foundation of trust.

But what if the world is not so reliable? Some children learn to wait, to hide their needs, or to become vigilant for every shift in mood. These adaptations—avoidance, anxiety, or confusion—are not flaws, but wise survival strategies. They are the roots of the attachment styles we will explore: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each child, in their own way, learns to make sense of the world, to navigate the balance between seeking comfort and venturing out to explore.

As we grow, these early patterns do not vanish. They become the silent script for our friendships, our romances, our very sense of self. Even as adults, we seek safe havens and secure bases in those we love. We long for partners and friends who will comfort us in distress and encourage us to explore, knowing we can always return to their embrace. The beauty of attachment is that it is never truly fixed; with new experiences, new love, and new healing, our hearts can learn to trust again.

So, as the morning light grows brighter, let us remember: our earliest bonds are not our destiny, but they are the soil from which our relationships grow. In the next section, we will wander deeper into the garden of attachment, discovering the unique flowers and thorns of each attachment style—and how they shape the way we love. Let us continue, with curiosity and compassion, to the next chapter of our story.