Polysecure Decoded: Why Attachment Theory Is the Secret Ingredient for Happy Polyamorous Relationships

Unlocking the Science of Secure Love for Every Relationship Structure

If you’ve ever wondered why some relationships feel safe and nourishing while others leave you in a cycle of anxiety, jealousy, or distance, Jessica Fern’s Polysecure offers a roadmap that’s both deeply scientific and profoundly compassionate. At its heart, the book is about understanding how our earliest bonds shape our adult love lives—and how, with intention, we can rewrite our attachment story no matter our relationship style.

Attachment theory, once reserved for the therapist’s office, comes alive in Fern’s hands. She explains how secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles aren’t personality flaws but adaptive strategies we learned to stay safe as children. These patterns don’t just disappear; they show up in the way we communicate, connect, and even choose our partners. In consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), these dynamics can get even more complex. Multiple partners mean more opportunities for joy—and more chances for old wounds to surface.

Fern’s genius is in her non-judgmental approach. Rather than labeling anyone as broken, she frames attachment as fluid and changeable. “We are more than the problems we face,” she writes, reminding us that healing is always possible. This is especially crucial for polyamorous folks, who often face societal stigma and internal doubts about whether secure love is even possible for them. Fern’s answer is a resounding yes.

One of the book’s most practical contributions is the HEARTS model: Haven, Emotional attunement, Agreements, Reliability, Transparency, and Secure attachment with self. These six pillars provide actionable steps for building and maintaining security, whether you’re navigating a new relationship, repairing after a rupture, or simply trying to show up better for yourself and others. For example, 'Haven' means being a safe refuge for each other, while 'Agreements' highlights the importance of clarity and follow-through in polyamorous dynamics.

Fern also discusses the unique challenges and gifts of CNM. She introduces the concept of metamours—your partner’s partners—and explores how these relationships can be sources of support or stress. She offers practical tools for managing jealousy, setting boundaries, and fostering compersion (joy in your partner’s joy). Her advice is grounded in both research and lived experience, making it accessible and relatable.

Perhaps the most hopeful message of Polysecure is that secure attachment isn’t just for the monogamous or the lucky. Through healing relationships, self-awareness, and intentional practice, anyone can move closer to security—regardless of where they started. Fern’s book is a call to courage, inviting us to reimagine love as abundant, creative, and always evolving. If you’re ready to transform your relationships, this is the place to start.

Read on to discover how the HEARTS model works in real life, how to heal attachment wounds, and why your story of love is still being written. Whether you’re poly, mono, or something else entirely, Polysecure will change the way you think about connection, trust, and the infinite possibilities of the heart.