The Surprising Science Behind Why We Fall in Love With the Wrong People

How Our Childhoods Secretly Shape Every Swipe and Spark

Have you ever wondered why you keep falling for the same type of person, even when you know they’re wrong for you? The answer is both fascinating and unsettling. According to 'Relationships' by The School of Life, our romantic choices are rarely rational. Instead, they are guided by the invisible hand of our unconscious, which seeks out what feels familiar from childhood.

As children, we learn about love not through lectures, but through experience. The ways our caregivers responded to our needs—whether with warmth, distance, or unpredictability—become the templates we carry into adulthood. These emotional blueprints shape who we find attractive, how we behave in relationships, and even what we find intolerable. Often, we are drawn to partners who echo the best and worst of our early experiences, seeking to replay old dramas in the hope of a different ending.

This explains why so many of us are magnetically attracted to people who are distant, critical, or emotionally unavailable. It’s not that we enjoy suffering; it’s that these dynamics feel like home. The book encourages us to become detectives of our own hearts, examining the roots of our attractions and aversions. By doing so, we can begin to make choices that are conscious, rather than compulsive.

One of the most powerful exercises suggested is to reflect on the people who trigger strong reactions in us—whether positive or negative. What do they remind us of? What needs or wounds are they touching? By bringing these patterns into the light, we can start to break free from the cycles that keep us stuck.

Self-awareness is the first step toward change. When we understand why we are drawn to certain people, we can begin to choose partners who are truly good for us. We can learn to recognize red flags, set healthy boundaries, and cultivate relationships that are based on mutual respect and genuine compatibility.

Ultimately, the science of attraction is not about blaming ourselves for our choices, but about empowering ourselves to make better ones. By understanding our emotional blueprints, we can break free from the past and create a future filled with healthier, more fulfilling love.

References: The School of Life book, psychological research on attachment and relationships, personal development blogs. 1 3 4