Why Feedback Hurts (and How to Make It Help You): The Psychology Behind Every Critique

Feedback is everywhere: in the workplace, at home, and even in the smallest interactions with friends. Yet, why does a single comment from a manager or partner sometimes feel like a punch in the gut? In their groundbreaking book, 'Thanks for the Feedback,' Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen reveal that our reactions to feedback are deeply rooted in psychology. The brain, ever vigilant for threats, often interprets even helpful feedback as a danger to our self-worth. This blog dives into the three main feedback triggers: the truth trigger (when feedback seems inaccurate), the relationship trigger (when who gives the feedback matters more than what is said), and the identity trigger (when feedback shakes our core sense of self).



Understanding these triggers is the first step to transforming feedback from a source of pain into a catalyst for growth. For example, when your boss says, 'You need to be more proactive,' your brain might instantly scan for evidence to the contrary, sparking defensiveness. But by pausing and asking, 'What does proactive look like to you?' you shift from wrong-spotting to difference-spotting—a move from judgment to curiosity. Research shows that the most successful professionals are those who can ride out the initial emotional discomfort (the 'J Curve') and stay engaged long enough to extract the value from feedback.

Another key insight is that feedback is rarely just about the content; it’s also about the relationship and your internal narrative. If you trust the person giving feedback, you’re more likely to listen. Conversely, if past experiences have been negative, your guard goes up. The blog shares stories of leaders who learned to name their emotional reactions ('I’m feeling defensive right now') and use that awareness as a bridge to understanding.



Ultimately, feedback is a mirror—a reflection not just of your actions, but of how others experience you. Embracing this discomfort, rather than avoiding it, is the secret to real growth. The next time you get feedback, pause, breathe, and ask yourself: What can I learn from this? In that moment, you turn feedback from a foe into a friend. References: 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen, and additional research from Readingraphics and Leader Navigation 1 2