Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship

The Honest Language of Your Sexual Self

Imagine your sexual self as a small child, speaking a language so simple yet so profound that it boils down to just two words: 'yes' or 'no.' This is not a limitation but a pure form of honesty. This part of you cannot lie or pretend; it reveals your deepest truths about desire and consent. In the rush of modern life, many couples find themselves trying to interpret complex signals or force responses that aren’t genuinely there, akin to coaxing a lawn mower to start by pulling its cord harder. But your sexual self isn’t a machine; it’s a living, breathing emotional being.

Consider the young couple sharing a tender moment on a subway train, fully absorbed in each other’s presence. Their smiles, their dreamy eyes, their subtle touches speak volumes without words. This is the sexual self at work—captivated, silly, and completely present. Sexual arousal is attention in motion, a state where worries fade and only the moment remains.

Yet, many adults forget this simplicity. They try to manufacture desire through techniques or pressure, often resulting in frustration. The sexual self, like a child, does not respond well to coercion or criticism. Instead, it thrives on acceptance and validation. Good sex is not about performance or friction; it is about emotional resonance and mutual enjoyment.

For example, a woman who feels nothing during sex with her spouse might still light up when sharing a simple kiss on the couch. This tells us that the sexual self needs safety, comfort, and genuine connection before it can fully engage. When couples focus too much on orgasm or physical acts, they miss the language their sexual selves are trying to speak.

As we move forward, we’ll explore how this honest communication shapes intimacy, how understanding it can heal wounds, and how it sets the stage for passionate, lasting love. Let’s now journey deeper into the nature of the sexual self and how it manifests in our lives.