The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

Imagine the subtle dance of human connection, where each glance, question, or touch is like a note in a beautiful symphony. These moments, often so small they go unnoticed, are what researchers call 'bids' for emotional connection. These bids are the elementary constituents of closeness between people. They can be as simple as a smile, a question about your day, or even a playful nudge. What makes them powerful is not their grandeur but their frequency and how they are received. In one study, couples who were happily married made as many as one hundred bids for connection in just ten minutes of dinner conversation. By contrast, couples headed for divorce made only sixty-five bids in the same period. This difference, though it may seem slight, accumulates into a vast gulf of emotional connection or disconnection over time.

Consider the story of a couple who had not shared intimacy for six months. The husband would try small bids, like a gentle touch or a kiss on the neck, hoping to reconnect. But his wife, overwhelmed by stress, would turn away, feeling pressured and anxious. This pattern of bidding and response—or lack thereof—created a silent chasm between them. It was not a dramatic breakdown but a series of missed bids that eroded their bond. Responding positively to bids is like depositing emotional currency in a bank account that can be drawn upon during conflicts. When bids are ignored or turned against, it’s as if the account is drained, leaving partners vulnerable and disconnected.

In workplaces, friendships, and families, the same principle holds. A boss who fails to acknowledge a worker's friendly question or a sibling who ignores a call for support sends a message of disinterest or rejection. Over time, these small moments of neglect accumulate, leading to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction. But the good news is that these skills—recognizing bids and responding to them—can be learned and practiced. It begins with mindfulness: noticing when someone reaches out, even in the most mundane ways, and choosing to turn toward them.

As you reflect on your own relationships, think about the bids you make and how they are received. Are you responding with warmth and attention, or are you missing opportunities to connect? Remember, these small moments are the threads that weave the fabric of intimacy, trust, and love. Each bid accepted is a step toward a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Now that we understand the power and frequency of bids, let's explore how our brain's emotional command systems influence the way we make and respond to these bids, shaping our unique styles of connection.