Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

In the vast landscape of human relationships, there lies a constant internal battle between parts of ourselves. Imagine two figures inhabiting your inner world: one, a small, frightened child, shaped by past wounds and trauma, known as the Adaptive Child; the other, a calm, wise adult, embodying presence, maturity, and compassion. Understanding these two parts is the first step toward transforming how we relate to those we love. The Adaptive Child is not a villain but a protector that learned survival strategies in response to neglect, intrusion, or emotional abandonment during childhood. This child-like part manifests as black-and-white thinking, rigidity, perfectionism, and sometimes harshness. Yet, harshness itself is a destructive force in relationships. It alienates and wounds rather than heals or connects.

Consider the story of a rugged man, a rancher hardened by years of self-discipline and stoicism. When confronted with the idea that harshness has no redeeming value, he was moved to tears—not tears of weakness, but of deep recognition. He realized the damage his harshness had done to his sons and himself. This moment of insight is a powerful example of how emotional maturity can awaken even in the hardest hearts.

Our internal Adaptive Child often drives us to react with anger, withdrawal, or control, especially when triggered by stress or relational conflict. But the Wise Adult can step in to soothe, to pause, and to choose a different path—one of relational mindfulness. This internal dialogue, this compassionate parenting of our younger self, is the foundation of healing and connection.

Harshness, then, is not a tool for strength but a barrier to intimacy. Loving firmness, by contrast, respects boundaries while nurturing growth. It requires courage and vulnerability but yields deeper trust and safety.

As we embark on this journey through the book's insights, keep in mind this vital truth: the path to better relationships begins with befriending the parts of ourselves shaped by pain, not fighting them. This understanding will prepare us to explore the roots of trauma and how it shapes our relational patterns in the next section.